Like many visitors to North Korea, we were keen to take home some examples of totalitarian kitsch. So far, however, we had been largely thwarted. Yes, we had picked up a book of Kim Jong-Il’s views On the Art of Opera (his much longer book On the Art of Cinema was sold out in English, and I didn’t have the heart to read it in French). Yes, we had picked up a biography or two of the great man himself, but so far there had been nothing suitably and inadvertently hilarious to bring home. Everything had been pretty normal.

Or so we thought. Enter a beautiful little green phrase book, titled “Let Us Learn Korean”.

It starts off pretty slowly:

• “Hallo Comrade” = “Tongmu” (or “Tongji” if the comrade is a lady – very equal opportunity these Koreans)
• “Good morning” = “Annyong-hasimnikka”
• “Thank you” = “Kamsa-hamnida”

So far, so useful. In Chapter 9, however, things take a decidedly left turn. At the risk of verbosity, I am going to repeat many of the English phrases in the chapter verbatim. There will be a prize for any of our dear readers who manage to insert any of these phrases into natural conversation:

Chapter 9: Sightseeing of City

• “What are you going to see today? ” = “Onul odirul chamgwan haryo-go-hamnikka”
• “I want to visit the bronze statue of Comrade Kim Il Sung first to express my condolences”
• “Comrade Kim Il Sung was the most distinguished leader of our times”
• “Comrade Kim Il Sung devoted his whole life to the freedom and welfare of the people”
• “Death of Comrade Kim Il Sung is a great loss to the Korean revolution and the world revolution”
• “With the death of Comrade Kim Il Sung mankind lost the legendary hero, great leader”
• “The services rendered by Comrade Kim Il Sung will remain forever in the memory of the Korean people, and the world’s people”
• “It is a miracle that Pyongyang has been built up beautifully and magnificently in such a short time”
• “Such a miracle is only possible in Korea led by the great leader Comrade Kim Jong Il”

And a cheery goodbye from Chapter 11: Departure

• “I saw and learned a great deal in Korea” = “Josoneso mani bogo baewot-sumnida”
• “I practically felt that the Korean people are singleheartedly united behind Comrade Kim Jong Il”
• “Korea is the people’s paradise where there are no beggars and all people study”
• “Pyongyang is clean and beautiful, and seems to have the best housing conditions in the world”
• “All the Korean people are good-mannered, diligent and modest”
• “The Korean people long for national reunification”
• “The United States must get out South Korea. It has no grounds for remaining in South Korea”
• “Goodbye”

I hope you have all been paying attention. There will be a test on this later.